if we break up, who will get the dealer?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
