if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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