Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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