who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
