She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
