I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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