You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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