i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize