I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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