You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
