I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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