there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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