I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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