If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
