A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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