No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
