just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
