I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
