Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
