So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
