My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
