am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
