I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
