My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
