Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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