The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
