VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
