Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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