I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's blow job season.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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