oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If its not for food we ain't going out.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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