The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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