cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
