my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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