Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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