I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
