just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
