Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
