you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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