Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
His hands were made for my vagina.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
