Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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