His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
