I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize