I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
