I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
