I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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