her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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