i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The Olympian is in my bed
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
