Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
