Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
