i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
