your parents love me but you hate me
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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