Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
