worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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