i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize