just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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