I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
