He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
