my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
