I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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